Kids Surviving Separation - from the mouths of babes!

Kids need hope, love and support during separation and they need the adults in their lives to step up for them. Parents often think they are doing all they can in their child’s best interests but sometimes some of the small things are missed which can still have a big impact on the children, their relationships and their short and long term anxiety.

We recently interviewed a number of our very young clients  (with their parents consent).There were some big lessons learnt through the process.  Here is what they had to say….

• I don't want to be their messenger just because they are bad at communicating. I hate having to tell the other parent a message like, you owe Mum money, my school fees are late, you always run late for pick ups and Dad says he hates it etc.

• I get really upset if I can’t ever go to my friends' parties because I am always at the wrong parents house when a party is on. I won’t get invited anywhere soon…and then I will have no friends either.

• I hate when Mum and Dad stand at opposite ends of the netball court with their arms folded angrily. I love their support but it makes me hate going to netball now as they look so angry and I don't know where to look when I score a goal. I think I will quit netball.

• At first I really loved being spoiled by Dad whenever I went over to his place, with lots of junk food and outings and toys but then I really just wanted things to be normal again. I just wanted to chill together and eat normal food and have the same routine.

• When Dad got a new girlfriend really soon after he and Mum separated, Dad couldn't understand why I didn't want to hang out with him and her and sleep over at their new house. I hated it. I just wanted Dad to myself for a while, it upset Mum and I don't know why she had to be there all the time when I didn't even know her yet. I wish Dad wouldn’t force it. I would have been ok with it later maybe but not all at once. I sent him an email about it and he told me I had to accept it. I don't go to Dad’s now and he said he will take Mum to court because he thinks its her fault I don't go to his place. I am so stressed out.

• When Mum promises to pick us up at a certain time from Dad but is always really late or has an excuse about changing our days together, it makes me feel like she doesn't even want us back.

• Dad has moved into a one bedroom unit and he is angry that my little sister and I don't want to sleep in his room with him on the weekend. I feel weird all in the one bed now I am older and there isn't much room in the lounge for me to sleep there either.

• I like going to Mum’s but she moved so far away from my school and my mates next door that I have to spend ages on the bus to get to school and I don't see my mates anymore. I really miss them a lot and I get really tired with all the travel. I quit soccer training because I can't get there on time on the bus.

• I love seeing Dad on the weekend but he will often just leave me to look after my younger siblings for hours while he goes for a run, and then coffee and then out at night. I only see him for the weekend but he is often not here and I end up doing a lot of the babysitting and tidying up.

• No one ever asks me about my ideas on the parenting schedule even though I am 13 now. I get so sick in the stomach every time they fight about it but they don't ask me what I think about now missing netball training on Wednesdays and never getting to see my grandparents on Sunday like I used to.

• I hate when Mum always puts Dad down. I know she is angry with him for leaving but I still love him a lot and it makes me so sad. Her friends all come over on Friday night and have a drink and are really mean about Dad. I can hear them. I shut my bedroom door and cry sometimes.

• Mum is so busy now we never have any fun together. I just play Fortnite all weekend to get out of her way. 

• I started to sleep walk and wet the bed when I was at Dad’s. I was so embarrassed I didn't tell him and he didn't seem to either notice or want to talk about it. Eventually I stopped going to his house because I was so embarrassed. 

• I was getting in trouble at school a lot because I just felt so angry and annoyed at everyone once Mum and Dad separated. My teacher suggested I write in a journal to get all my feelings out and if I felt comfortable to show mum and dad I could. One day I showed them and it helped a lot. We talked about things we could do to make things better. 

• I hate leaving Mum as she cries a lot when I go and then rings or texts me a lot when I am at Dad’s. She then asks lots of questions about my stay when I get home. Dad always says not to answer Mums calls and to not talk about my stay as it isn’t Mums business. I feel like I am torn in half each week.

• For a long time I wondered if I caused Mum and Dad to break up because I was naughty sometimes. They never explained any reasons for separating and they never really talked about whether they even liked each other anymore. I was so stressed and confused.

• I wondered all the time if Dad would fall out of love with me too one day. 

• Sometimes I just miss Mum so much when I am with Dad but I don't know what to do about it as he says I can't even call her quickly to say hi or ask a homework question she could help me with because Dad says he doesn't know the answer to it.

• I felt really worried that all my friends would think I was weird as their parents weren’t separated so I didn't tell them. When one boy did tease me about my Dad leaving I didn't know what to say or how to deal with it. I stopped wanting to go to school.

At Separation Support Network we work with families to help kids and their parents through this emotionally challenging time, from planning how to tell the kids, how to communicate through the process and how to make the parenting arrangements work as best they can for everyone, especially the kids. Contact us if you would like any further information.